7th Heaven and Chasing Waterfalls

I somehow found myself watching an episode of 7th Heaven while taking a break from the - ehm... excessive - studying I have been d0ing for my two finals Tuesday and Wednesday.  Both at 8 am.  Thanks a lot, for that, by the way.  Anyhow, back to the show.  In the episode, Simon came home drunk from a party where he "didn't know there was alcohol in the punch."  Now, from an outsider's point of view, who rarely ever watched 7th Heaven back when it was actually airing more than reruns, this didn't seem like such a big deal to me.  But it became a sort of family-moral-dilemma for the characters on the show.  It was at that point that I stopped short, realizing the disparity between my reaction and that of the religious TV family.  Perhaps due to the delightful phenomena of cognitive dissonance, I have come to view such behaviors, within myself and college friends, as typical weekend occurrences that are "no big deal."  And I suppose I do believe that - to a certain extent.  But what made me stop short was the fact that, upon entering college having never had a sip of alcohol, smoked a cigarette, tried weed, or had sex, I viewed all of this "typical college shit" as a HUGE deal--or at least something I didn't see myself delving into so quickly, and in such rapid succession.  

It is so strange how people change, but even more intriguing how people change their mind and their attitudes to match their "new behavior."  It's almost like, okay, I got drunk for the first time last fall.  Woah that was crazy.  And then there was the first time I got REALLY wasted and made out with a random guy from a party I went to.  It was like, This is weird, interesting, fun but uncomfortable, I don't know how I feel about this, what will people think of me?....... but now?  It's like, okay, I got drunk last night and --oops!  May have accidentally... lost my clothes and slept with someone.  It's like part of my brain is saying, Yeah, okay, it wasn't exactly planned, but it was fun; it's kinda awkward now, but hey! what can I do?  Can't change the past... so might as well just shrug it off and move on.  But the other part of my brain, or the haloed shoulder, is whispering in my other ear, "But you deserve better, this isn't what you really want, what happened to your morals, what happened to love, trust, meaning, purpose?"

And thus, I am conflicted.  And I semi-blame 7th Heaven for bringing about this realization.  I know for a fact that regret and guilt won't get my anywhere over situations like this, but at the same time, I don't want to have this turn into a permanent, habitual cycle, when what I really want is something more.  Something real.  Something that I probably won't find any time soon, this perhaps being one of the the reasons for my frustration-induced (occasional, not yet habitual) drunken sexcapades. 

Maybe I am searching for something unattainable at the moment, but I'd like to think that it is at least possible to finding something real - someone real - eventually.  Everyone says, just let it happen, stop chasing waterfalls.  I know they mean well, but sometimes I just can't help myself from wanting to take the plunge without looking back.