One of my favorite Anna Nalick songs.
So we had a somewhat unexpected visitor a little while ago, who came to wish me and the roomies good luck on finals. It didn't seem to faze Amy, but I can't say I wasn't at least a little surprised - pleasantly surprised, actually. Despite everything, it was strangely reassuring and rather sweet; it felt as though we were all back to where we were last semester, for a brief moment. As though, despite the craziness and absurdities of the past few weeks, everything was back to "normal," whatever that means. I wish it were, to be honest.
As angry as I have felt, I'm always more of a lover than a fighter. I don't like conflict - in fact, I often make it a point to avoid it. I forgive too easily, I know this, and I have been hurt multiple times in the past because of it. But I think the worst thing is losing something, or feeling like you have lost something, that for so long seemed like a permanent reality, a lasting loyalty. And never expecting the time to result in such gradual... and then sudden loss or "separation." Feeling as though you can do nothing about it, or not realizing until it's too late that you were at least partially responsible for the "parting of ways" - it's the worst feeling.
I can't decide what to do at this point; if it seems so natural and right when something is right in front of you, or someone - and then so faded and distant and cruel when that thing, or that person, is just a little bit further away - I'm torn, I suppose. I mean, yes and no. So much has happened, and I almost feel as though it's too late to stand up for myself, and I'm honestly so exhausted from talking and thinking about it all for so long that I'd rather just forget about it and pretend none of it ever happened. Especially when I am reminded (and was reminded, from the earlier visit) of the goodness in people, and the way they can surprise you when you least expect it, in the most complicated and strange of situations.
Maybe it takes a certain chain of events to mend the broken link in a catastrophe.
Perhaps, after everyone has experienced the fallout, it circles back to where it originated. And then, perhaps the origin (or origins) experience their own fallout or epiphany.
It seems strange, but when everyone ends up in the same shit situation, and the catalyst finally sees what everyone else has been seeing (or, well, smelling), a certain sense of empathy and similarity begins to bind us all together despite it all. At least this is what I am hoping. I am hoping, based on the shit-theory, that eventually we all feel it, and the person who contributed the most finally does too, and in all of our collective shit-ness, we somehow just start laughing at it all and start to move on from it and learn from it and come back together.
But this is my anti-cynical attitude, which could become a reality eventually, but then again may just be wishful thinking. Only time will tell.
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