Only Human

Okay, so I told myself I wouldn't get into the whole "Twilight" book craze like so many people I know, but I went to the movie with one of my best friends (Arielle) the other night... and, well, after seeing it, I kinda had to buy the books.  So, I am another victim of the fad, sad (but happy) to say.

But that's not really what's been on my mind.  I've also been watching the third season of Heroes, which is an amazing show, by the way, and I think that combined with the books I'm reading has had my head spinning for the past few days.  Like, it brings up so many questions and possibilities and hopes that there really is something "bigger than us"; but at the same time, it brings fear that we will never know, or that we will, one day, actually find out.

I can't help but wonder if there really is such a thing as "fate" or "destiny" or something completely beyond us that we will never understand or grasp or be able to control.  And part of me enjoys this idea; the other part of me is extremely frustrated at the uncertainty and unknowing.  What can I say?  I'm only human.

Speaking of which... alright, I will admit that Disney and oh so many other books and movies have ruined my expectations for love, but it's like Joey said - if she (I) was born to do only one thing in her time on Earth, it would be to fall in love.  And I truly believe that this is one of the reasons I am here, as well.  And, as frustrated as I may become, I take what Sue and Joey say to heart; I can't just keep chasing after boys -- I gotta let one surprise me one day by chasing ME for a change, by pursuing ME, by taking care of ME, rather than me trying to "fix" them or "save" them or pursue the unpursuable.  Is that even a word?  Oh I dunno.  But, as lost in daydreams as I may seem (the majority of the time, perhaps), I still understand that what they say has true merit and is far more realistic, and may be exactly what I need to believe to get out of my current "funk."  And what Sue said rang so true that I almost broke down: "You need to start living for YOU."  She's right -- I can't wait on the perfect guy forever.  And I mean, I don't want the PERFECT guy -- I want someone who is beautiful because of his imperfections.  We are beautiful, as humans, because of our differences.  They make us unique; our flaws make us more beautiful, more real. 

I suppose, as another New Year's resolution, I will try to start living for ME instead of for everyone else, for a guy, for the hopes of attaining a guy, or for what other people expect of me or want me to be.  That's a good one. (Thanks to my amazing friends, you know who you are, for encouraging me toward this and supporting me, throughout and despite my cyclical infatuations.)

Oh, and no more drunken hookups.  GP.