Although first impressions are strong sometimes, and although I do understand what my loyal roomies are telling me, I also know that Erik is the first guy who has actually shown a genuine interest in WHO I AM, rather than only wanting me to conform to who HE is. I know there is a lot left unsaid, but I also know that I am a strong enough person to know that I CAN trust myself and that sometimes personal experience overshadows the opinions of faithful friends.
I know what you guys are trying to say -- mainly: SLOW THE HELL DOWN! You are telling me not to get overly carried away with the whole "marriage/future/happily-ever-after" idea. And I see that now. I think that when I am caught up in the moment, it's hard for me to separate from my "ideals" or "dreams", and come back down to reality. And, as my true friends, I now understand that this is what you realized and were trying to tell me, but at the same time, very hesitant to, because you believed I wouldn't listen and I would tell you that "you just don't understand."
I am sorry for putting you through my cycles, and I am now aware of what is behind your concern and care. And I love you all for the fact that you care so much about me. As much as I do understand that you don't want me to "throw my life away" and run off and elope and what not, I also know that this is more of an idea in my mind that keeps me comforted, in a sense, when I start missing Erik the most. Of course, one day, this is what I would like, but at the same time, I am able to see more realistically and know that I am still so young and need to get through college and learn and grow and figure out more of who I am before I can move on to such a major decision.
So, friends, thank you for being so loyal and for caring, and also, I apologize for seeming so entrapped in such a futuristic-crazy-not-quite-logical-dream kinda thing.
I understand that you want what's best for me, and that means the world to me.
I also want you to try to step back enough to understand that, yes--I may have gotten a bit carried away with this new relationship, but at the same time, I know that Erik is different. And yes, I also know that I "say that EVERY time" I jump into something new... but for once, I think that this is actually a GOOD thing, and that the person I am with genuinely CARES about me. I need you guys to know that I don't care about the money, or the flaws, or the distance... what matters the most to me is WHO he is, and the fact that we have a real connection, and the fact that he cares about me and loves me and treats me in a way that I have always wanted to be treated -- but never have been.
I know you are skeptical, but I also know that I am stable enough to trust my own intuition, even if you do not believe that I am.
Thank you for talking to me, and thank you for caring, and thank you for knowing me well enough to know when I'm getting carried away. Thank you for being my friends, and thank you for being there for me. Thank you for looking past my annoyances and imperfections, and thank you for being REAL friends. I know I'm not perfect, and I don't always show my appreciation, and for that, I am sorry. But I want you to know that I DO listen to what you say, even if it makes me defensive or upset in the moment. I DO absorb your inputs and your opinions, and I DO think that all of you matter, and I DO care about all of you, very much, even though I'm not always great at showing it.
All in all, thank you for being there for me, despite my frustrations and faults, and thank you for listening and trying to understand.
I love you all, and I wouldn't be this person without you. I also love Erik, and though I understand your concern, I also want you to know that I love him too, but will be able to stabilize myself, so to speak, so that I may view things more realistically, and start to live for me, as well; start to live in the moment.
Thank you, again.
1 comment:
:)
Post a Comment