My counselor told me to rant like this... you have been warned

I want to do something risky, something so stupid, for the rush, maybe; for the complete spur-of-the-moment decision that I'd be making, which is something I don't often do.  I want to break the rules, I want to defy boundaries, I want to break out, I want to sneak out, I want to yell so loudly that everyone HAS to listen to what I am saying, I want to hear someone say that they GET it and actually mean it, I want people to stop saying they are "worried", I want to throw something, I want to get ANGRY, I want to punch someone in the face, I want to do some damage, I want to destroy something else because right now all of this anger is destroying me. 

I want to smash something, I want to lash out and be validated by someone for standing up for myself, no matter how "over the top."  I want people to listen to my music and read between the lines of my lyrics.  I want the people who really care or understand to be closer to me, emotionally and physically.  I want to stop feeling so guilty, even when I haven't done anything wrong.  I want to un-brainwash people, or society, or women, or men, or even just one person, into seeing the world more clearly and more realistically and with more of an open mind.

I am so angry at all of the people who have insulted or hurt me in my life and who I have never been able to stand up to and who I would literally punch in the face if I could go back in time.  I want to be stronger, I want to be recognized for being different in a good way, I want to be me and find myself and accept myself outside of other people as well, I want to be acknowledged, but i also want people to come to me for help and know that I am always willing to listen or give a hug or a shoulder, 24/7.

Sometimes, I can't even figure out what I'm doing or what I even WANT to do or where I want to go because I am so lost in everyone else, their expectations, their perceptions of me, my mistakes, my dreams, my regrets, my hopes.  Sometimes I imagine curling up into the tightest ball possible and covering myself with a blanket and disappearing until my head clears; almost like going into a storm shelter during a tornado and waiting it out until it's safe to come outside.

I am so frustrated!! With myself, and with how I handle shit and how I let people treat me.  I can't stand it.  I can't stand getting so close to someone and then losing them to distance or time or detachment.  It's one of the worst feelings, and the only way I've been able to move past this kind of thing is to distract myself until it doesn't hurt as much; until I can ignore it altogether; until I don't have to beat myself up about the possibility that it was MY fault or that I was the one to push them away.

I am SO ANGRY and I think I must have turned all of my anger into anger towards myself because I so often beat myself up about things and it is so hard for me to let things go when I feel ashamed or guilty or embarrassed.  I am so angry with myself, but even more angry with other people, but I've let my inward-turned anger build up for so long that I'm not sure who those people are anymore or why I was angry with them in the first place (no wonder I'm so fucking frustrated!).  Because, I think that every time I get angry, I hate conflict and avoid it by agreeing with the person that made me angry and then that anger sits and ferments inside of me until it becomes toxic and I end up turning it on myself.

Whew.  Take a breath. 

I just want to figure this out for God's sake.